The Lazy Conversationalist

Okay, so I must apologize for my last post. I really like poetry, and for some time have wanted to write them. This last post was a sure example of why I should not write them as publicly as the last one. But hey, I mean, it is good for a laugh. And talk about the concept of "Free Poetry". I took that one and brutally murdered it. So, to all you writers out there. I'm sorry.

I'm tired. I feel like from day to day I am trudging through a thick mud. Not just any mud, but the kind that you used to lose your shoes in when you were a kid. The kind of mud that if you stood in long enough you would actually have to use outside help to get out of.

Some people would say that I am depressed, that is not it by any means. I really do feel tired. Sadness is not an over weighted emotion and neither is a lost of interest. Depression is not at all what I feel. Weighty, however, could be a good word. I'm trying to rack my brain for what I really feel, but there is so much. I'm trying to filter it so you don't get another "Purple Fairy" post.

I just feel a little unsure of who I am. Not that I am lost to myself. All my life I have defined who I am by the kind of people I was with. Wither they were cool, smart, or even if they just liked me. For the longest time it was the amount of people. A popularity contest, if you will, that I was trying to win with the world, not any one person just the world. If nothing but to say "Here I am! I have friends and they like me. I am identified." And I would do everything in my power to keep them; even if it meant being called "Mother" at school.

I used to think that this "Mother" thing was cool. Everyone came to me with their issues. I knew everything there was to know, and I thrived on this. And it has come to the point now that if you don't tell me, I don't know it. I lost all ability to think for myself, the thrill of investigation and observation. My social ability falters unless I have gotten the other party in the position of telling me everything, thus allowing me to end all conversation on my part, listen, and do no work. Decisions became useless. All I had to do was get the other person talking and play whatever they wanted. If I didn't like it I would make the best of it, as long as I didn't have to make the decision.

You see, if I wasn't the one making the decision then if the project flopped it wasn't my fault, it was the other parties and I was free of all blame. I could leave the situation on my own accord, but I never did. Because I was "Mother" I had to fix everything. And in a High School setting where the worst case of anguish consisted of boys and wither or not they liked you, how to get better grades, boost in confidence, depression, ect. I was very good.

Most people leave behind what they went through in High School. They walk in front of thousands of people, get a paper that says they are mentally valid, party, and get on with their lives. Not me. I thought I had, but it has since caught up with me that while other things got l left behind "Mother" never did. In High School I thrived on fixing and metaling, and still to this day cannot resist any instance when I can take this up.

Well, its not who I want to be. I am so tired of fixing everyones problems. I want to make my own decisions, and go where I want to go, when I want to go, and how I want to go, and do it in my own way. But "Mother" is so apart of me, I don't know how to let her go, and if I don't I am going to lose things that are extremely important to me.

It has even begun to follow me into my work place. When asked a simple question, such as where I might like to be assigned, I falter, and try my hardest to dance about the point until my boss mentions where it "might be best" for me to go, and I take it running. Well, thank heavens for my new boss. She knows every round and sharp curve of her point and catches me at every step so I must make the decision. She is amazing. She drives me nuts, and I think I may lose my job sometimes, but she is amazing.

My best friend seems to know the ways as well, she catches me. I have never had this before, and I know I drive her nuts. But she is always there for me in ways that I will never be able to return. She is like a sister to me. And it makes me so angry when I hurt her like I do. I seem to have this habit of screwing her over. Without even trying I take over and push her about, and yet she is still there. No one deserves that; ever. Yet, she is always there with out fail.
Thank you, for all that you do. I like you just the way you are, and couldn't possibly imagine you as something less than what you are; a good person, and a perfect friend.

I will see you all the next time I post...when?...near future...;)


P.S. I am confronting.