Sunday, November 8, 2009

Was Einstein right?

Albert Einstein once said that if you conduct the same experiment expecting a different result each time is insanity. It makes me wonder how insanity has worked its way into my life. I want to do all these wonderful things, but none of them seem to be happening. So the question I think I have neglected to ask myself is, am I trying the same experiments? Is there something that I'm not doing, that I ought to be doing, to get the results that I desire.

I want to be social.
I mean I am 23 years old. I am young, although sometimes I feel older, there is a lot that I can do and still have left to do. But am I getting out there? Am I putting myself out there enough to gain that experience? Or am I sitting in the corner at a party, or social gathering, and waiting for people to come talk to me?

My best friend in the whole world has the best advise. I'm not very good at following some of it, but all of it is very sound. She should write a book some day. ;)

Anyhow some of it hit home recently and now I understand it.

For the longest time I have figured that in an argument, once it got to the climax and I knew I was right, I should say something quippy and then walk away. Thus installing my rightness and leaving the other person to think about how wrong they were.

This is not how the world works. My friend told me a secret. The moment I left without making a real point I was not winning at all.

You see by then wither or not I was right, by leaving nothing was accomplished. By walking away I was simply dropping the point and getting no where, no compromises were being made, no decisions were being reached. All this time I thought I was a master of communication, and all I really was doing was halting every form of communication. And in some cases allowing the bitterness to grow.

I tell you what, this is a revelation!

Having the ability to make yourself understood is great. Another thing my wise friend has told me is that I need to get off my tush and meet people. I don't really like crowds. This is weird because I love people. I just like them in smaller groups. I can handle big groups, but smaller is better.

I'm not going to lie though. The romantic idea of my sitting on a park bench and some very good looking man walks by. We look into each others eyes and that is that. But unfortunately, that, is not how it works.

If I want something I need to take it. I need to do the work its going to take to get it. Sitting on my park bench is not going to get me all the things I want out of life. However, it will give me a good view to wave as they pass me by.

These are lame experiments that I conduct over and over in hopes of getting what I want. I am not an unintelligent person, so why do I do these things? I can answer that in three words.

THEY ARE SAFE. They allow me to hide and that is what I do best.

You see, if you hide you don't bother anyone. And if you don't bother anyone then everyone is happy. Since everyone is happy then your ultimate goal has been reached and you never had to put your foot in your mouth. You are safe. Brilliant huh?

Well guess what? WRONG!

Sometimes people need a little bothering. It helps. Trust me. I know. I have a really good friend who cares enough to do it to me sometimes. And I have also noticed that once applied, even these experiments have made me so much happier.

Thanks friend.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Can you hear what I hear?

Hello Friends,
It has a been a very long time. And for this I do apologize! I have a really long list of lame excuses that I'm sure none of you really want to hear, so I will not post them. (If you do, let me know) ;)

As many of you know I work with Hard of Hearing children, and some times deaf children in the Alpine School District. I am an ASL aide and work with those sweet children who have low vocabularies. I love it. About a month ago, the most wonderful thing happened.

The child that I currently tutor has a fair amount of hearing, but this is only with the aide of hearing aides. Still, there are many unorganized sounds that have no meaning to her no matter how hard she tries to understand them. She is very intelligent. And is steadily becoming more independent.

Well, the other day (about a month ago) she asked to go to the rest room, and I let her. About 15 minuets later she had still not come back to class. I went to the rest room to fetch her, but she wasn't there. I went to her core class and she wasn't there either. In a panic I wandered the halls to try and look for her, but then I noticed an assembly going on in the cafeteria and decided to see if she had just joined them. As I went down the hall I found her hiding in a corner near the door trying to be sneaky and find out what was going on.

The American Fork Marching Band was setting up to play for the gathered kids. They were all lined up, and I knew that my student couldn't miss this! I pulled her from the door and led her into the back. I tried to explain to her what was going on, but she wasn't understanding me and the more I tried led to more confusion, but then they started to play. He jaw drop. She looked at me with the widest eyes.

"Teacher! What is that!"

I told her who they were, and suddenly it all clicked for her. She pointed to every instrument asking what that black one was or that little silver one, and why the gold long ones looked the way they did. Some were high and why was that and there was a wierd low sound what was that?! She had for the first time understood music. She had never really heard it before.

We ended up being 20 minuets late for math, and the Teacher was not at all pleased. Honestly, I didn't care. This was something that my student needed and I would do it again. The world is now open to her and she knows it.

I love my job, and can't imagine any other thing I would rather do. It is experiences like this that remind me that even though there are times I just want to throw up my arms and go home, that what I do is important and that I just need to plug along.

I will be updating very soon, because there is plenty that I now have to tell you about. And I even promise some pictures!!!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A Matter of Mean People and Text Books

I would like to open this blog with a few questions.

Why are people so mean, pig-headed and power hungry sometimes?


Why do they make super long text books that are so boring, not to mention repetitive, you feel like shooting your brains out on a subject you love and are very interested in, and then make you pay tons of money for? Eh?

People are people, and some times they just are as they are. They may walk around with there nose in the air, and pretend they know everything. But it seems to me all they really show off is their nose hairs and the green gems that dangle within. Not to mention that they end up running into stuff because they are to busy being better than everyone else. I work with someone who is this way. She is a good and reliable worker, but sometimes I think shes lonely. I wonder if she knows why?

As for the Text Books.....why? Why would you do that? Through out the space of time, and I'm sure many will agree, one is assigned about 40 pages on a sections of their topic as home work that could have easily been condensed to 10 or even 15 pages and could still have gotten the same point across. Why? Is it to test the boundaries of the students love for the subject?

"Hey Bob check this out! If they can make it through this 500 paged book they really have to love there subject!"

"Your right Bill! But hey! Lets add another 600 pages and really give them a run for their money!"

"Ya! And then lets repeat what we just said twenty different times under different subject headings so as to make them seem "different"! And then we can spread it out over 3 different chapters."


I swear this is the conversation they have. Those little puke-heads.

(Me) "Well, Ha Ha to you Gentlemen! I will finish it! So there!"

(Them) ..............

(Me) "Thats what I thought!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I just wanted to say hello to all of you out there. All is well.

And I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Year 2009

Okay, so I would like to begin by thanking my bestest friend ever. She totally hacked into my blog and google account so as to fix them for me. For a while there I was unable to get onto either except through another log in... and well it was a mess, but thanks to Aubrey, I am back again.

So, as it is the new year, I thought I should put down in some written form my New Years Resolutions. I figure there is a 80% chance that I might actually keep them if I A: get them written. and B: Keep them where others and myself might see them more often. A sort of publishing so as to make them more formal and resolute.

So Here they are...

1) Get out of debt. This one isn't really a big one. I'm not in all that bad, but I could learn a better budgeting system. And perhaps through this goal I will accomplish that. This goal also covers everything from school to my dinky little credit card; there will be nothing left. (but my car loan, but that makes sense)

2) Go to school. This goal is mainly to keep myself motivated, as school is school. Although, I doubt that will be a real issue as I have found my major. Special Education. In this field of choice I will specialize in deaf education. I am very excited!

3) Be a nicer person. This one may sound weird, but I'm not going to lie, I am a grump. And I say mean things without realizing it. So I am going to try to just let things go more, no grudges. Smile more, and no judging.

4) I am going to realize what I want and go for it no matter cost, but this year I will find a better way to do it. I can't seem to master this one. I too often try so hard to help people that I lose myself. I get shuffled, confused, annoyed, thus helping no one and am back right where I began. No more.

5) I am going to have more time for myself in the mornings. In the mornings I sleep until I can't and then try to get ready in a hurry and end up running out the door half ready and still in bed. I am going to be on time to things and unfrazzled. I plan to resolve this by getting up an hour earlier than normal. I can do it!

6) No mumbling, and better word and language use. I always say what I mean in just the wrong way so that I muffle what I want to say. My vocabulary will increase, and I will say what I mean, when I mean it and how I mean it. I will take pride in what I have to say.

I am sure there are more, but these are what I could remember. I hope your New Years blast and that 2009 will be twice as good!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Lazy Conversationalist

Okay, so I must apologize for my last post. I really like poetry, and for some time have wanted to write them. This last post was a sure example of why I should not write them as publicly as the last one. But hey, I mean, it is good for a laugh. And talk about the concept of "Free Poetry". I took that one and brutally murdered it. So, to all you writers out there. I'm sorry.

I'm tired. I feel like from day to day I am trudging through a thick mud. Not just any mud, but the kind that you used to lose your shoes in when you were a kid. The kind of mud that if you stood in long enough you would actually have to use outside help to get out of.

Some people would say that I am depressed, that is not it by any means. I really do feel tired. Sadness is not an over weighted emotion and neither is a lost of interest. Depression is not at all what I feel. Weighty, however, could be a good word. I'm trying to rack my brain for what I really feel, but there is so much. I'm trying to filter it so you don't get another "Purple Fairy" post.

I just feel a little unsure of who I am. Not that I am lost to myself. All my life I have defined who I am by the kind of people I was with. Wither they were cool, smart, or even if they just liked me. For the longest time it was the amount of people. A popularity contest, if you will, that I was trying to win with the world, not any one person just the world. If nothing but to say "Here I am! I have friends and they like me. I am identified." And I would do everything in my power to keep them; even if it meant being called "Mother" at school.

I used to think that this "Mother" thing was cool. Everyone came to me with their issues. I knew everything there was to know, and I thrived on this. And it has come to the point now that if you don't tell me, I don't know it. I lost all ability to think for myself, the thrill of investigation and observation. My social ability falters unless I have gotten the other party in the position of telling me everything, thus allowing me to end all conversation on my part, listen, and do no work. Decisions became useless. All I had to do was get the other person talking and play whatever they wanted. If I didn't like it I would make the best of it, as long as I didn't have to make the decision.

You see, if I wasn't the one making the decision then if the project flopped it wasn't my fault, it was the other parties and I was free of all blame. I could leave the situation on my own accord, but I never did. Because I was "Mother" I had to fix everything. And in a High School setting where the worst case of anguish consisted of boys and wither or not they liked you, how to get better grades, boost in confidence, depression, ect. I was very good.

Most people leave behind what they went through in High School. They walk in front of thousands of people, get a paper that says they are mentally valid, party, and get on with their lives. Not me. I thought I had, but it has since caught up with me that while other things got l left behind "Mother" never did. In High School I thrived on fixing and metaling, and still to this day cannot resist any instance when I can take this up.

Well, its not who I want to be. I am so tired of fixing everyones problems. I want to make my own decisions, and go where I want to go, when I want to go, and how I want to go, and do it in my own way. But "Mother" is so apart of me, I don't know how to let her go, and if I don't I am going to lose things that are extremely important to me.

It has even begun to follow me into my work place. When asked a simple question, such as where I might like to be assigned, I falter, and try my hardest to dance about the point until my boss mentions where it "might be best" for me to go, and I take it running. Well, thank heavens for my new boss. She knows every round and sharp curve of her point and catches me at every step so I must make the decision. She is amazing. She drives me nuts, and I think I may lose my job sometimes, but she is amazing.

My best friend seems to know the ways as well, she catches me. I have never had this before, and I know I drive her nuts. But she is always there for me in ways that I will never be able to return. She is like a sister to me. And it makes me so angry when I hurt her like I do. I seem to have this habit of screwing her over. Without even trying I take over and push her about, and yet she is still there. No one deserves that; ever. Yet, she is always there with out fail.
Thank you, for all that you do. I like you just the way you are, and couldn't possibly imagine you as something less than what you are; a good person, and a perfect friend.

I will see you all the next time I post...when?...near future...;)

P.S. I am confronting.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Purple Fairies

Purple fairies
Yellow dots
super ugly
yellow pots

Feelings thrown
feelings grown
now I moan

I say I feel
I throw a wheel
I cant even know
I want to go

Feeling lost
and at what cost
belonging, understanding
constant reprimanding

try to speak just how I feel
I'd rather be an orange peel
people like
people don't
always knowing where to stand

deep respect
lots of pain
what was to gain

who am I,
purple fairies

decide, I must
just where to stand
be steadfast
winds will gust

trying to learn
feeling only burn
try to grin
my head does spin

I'm stupid, lost
simple, incomplete
fit for life
only know to compete

Am I wrong
perhaps not as strong
lost all the time
even to basic rhyme

want only to know
your idea of where
not even asking
for a little fare

Ideas, understanding
never trying demanding
Just want to know
done with the flow

Who am I
Purple Fairies